Loneliness
by MirrorFlower and DarkWind
Summary: Merlin could feel it crushing his soul, the loneliness that he was experiancing could kill a man. Could it kill him?


**Kaliane: **Well I was hoping to do more evil…but this is my version of evil with me trying not to kill anyone. As most of you know I hate Guinevere…so this is…strange for me to write.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own.

**Loneliness**

Loneliness. A word that so many others think they understand. When a friend leaves them behind. When they wake up and there is no one next to them. That is what people think when they hear the word. When they think for one second that they have experienced the shear pain of loneliness. They are wrong. What they feel is only part of that word. They know that their friends will return, that their loved ones will return to them after a hard day.

No, the loneliness I feel is one that can kill you. It crushes your soul, slowly and surely. Not a quick death like the stake. The death I had feared for so long but now…now it would be a blessed miracle. A miracle I wish would be placed on me but…it will never happen.

Arthur, the prat, is now King and a wise king just the type I always knew he would be. He learned of my magic and yet protected me. He kept my secret from his father for many long years, watching my back as I protected them all. It was then; at that moment, that I felt that I would never be lonely again. That I was accepted fully for who I was. Who I was born to be. He returned magic to the land. I fulfilled my destiny and yet…I have never felt so lonely.

I am the only one of my kind, the last dragonlord, the only one born with magic. I am a legend to the druids not someone of flesh and blood. No one can know who I truly am. Not even Arthur. I had hoped that one day he would learn that one day my love, for that is all it could ever be, for him would be returned. I had been willing to sacrifice my life for him. Willing to die for him and willing to risk my life every day just to make sure that he was safe. That he was protected. That he would live. All the while hoping that one day he would love me as much as I love him. That he would turn those brilliant blue eyes towards me and realize that no one would ever fill the space besides him but me.

It was not to be. I stand here now, in the front of the crowd watched as my king, my love, my Arthur pledges his eternal love for another. For Guinevere my old friend. Daggers would feel better then the pain I feel in my heart as I watch him look down at her, love bright in both of their eyes. Her hand lying lightly on his arm, their matching rings a symbol of this love for everyone to see. They do not need that…anyone in this room, no anyone in the kingdom can see the love they have for each other. The love that binds them together in ways that will never bind Arthur and I together. This is the moment that all of my hopes and dreams die. In which I am destined to forever feel the loneliness.

This loneliness could kill a lesser man. Even now I feel my soul being crushed. Crushed and broken into so many pieces I will never be able to repair it. Even so I put a smile on my face. I would never allow Arthur to see my pain, to see my loneliness. I will wish them every happiness in the world by ignoring my own. I will continue to stand besides them both, continue to protect this land all the while waiting for death to take me.

"Merlin! What are you doing?" Arthur asks, coming to stand besides me his eyes never leaving his Queen.

"Just thinking, Sire," I say, looking out over the gathering, watching everyone welcome the Queen. None of them can even guess what I feel…what I think.

"Well that's dangerous for you," Arthur said, smirking. I smile back slightly, sadly.

"Well someone has to do it, Sire," I say, giving a small bow. "Now if you will excuse me." I make an attempt to leave the room. I cannot stand to be here surrounded by their love and all the well wishers.

"Merlin, are you going to go hide in that tower of yours again?" Arthur asks, grabbing my arm lightly, his eyes landing on me for the first time this evening.

"I don't hide," I say, pulling my arm free. I cannot allow him to touch me now. Not after what he just did…not after he cast me into the loneliness unknowingly.

"Sure," he says, drawing the word out, just as he has always done when he doesn't believe me. "You know you don't have to stay up there. You could stay here. It would be less lonely."

Lonely? No…staying here would be even lonelier then going to my tower. "I'm fine," I lie, smiling back at him, noticing how his eyes had traveled back to her while my back was turned. "Go back to your Queen, I will be fine."

"Fine, I expect to see you tomorrow afternoon for council meeting," he said, moving towards her without waiting for a reply.

My eyes trail after him, the loneliness threatening to overwhelm me once again. I turn, walking out of the room maybe for the last time. Arthur had Guinevere now…he has no need for me. Other sorcerers could take my place. This pain that I feel…this loneliness that will never leave not even if I am surrounded by people. It can kill…and it may just kill me.

I slowly walk back to my tower, a spell I had read so long ago popping into my head. It was dark magic…magic that Gaius had said that I should never mess with. Magic that could turn against the user and kill their light. Kill their soul or tear it into pieces. I let a smile spread across my face. I had no soul left, my own was broken and Gaius wasn't here to stop me. I hurried my steps, running towards the tower.

I ran towards the bed, my old spell book lying innocently on the bed. Its pages calling out to me, telling to me open it. To use the magic. I found the page…the spell to transfer one's soul into an object. Just as I had remembered it would take a life. This was my freedom. I felt relief for the first time in months. Since I had learned that Guinevere was to become Arthur's bride. His one true love.

I read through the incarnation. Double checking to make sure I knew it. I had only this one chance to bind my soul and I knew what I would have to bind it to. I smiled, tears falling as I thought of the loneliness I constantly lived it. Well no more. I would be free after this.

With those thoughts in mind I recited the incarnation. Allowing the words to flow effortlessly out of my mouth. I could feel my life draining as I sacrificed it to the spell, casting my soul into the sword. The one meant for Arthur and Arthur along. This was the only way I could ease the loneliness…to escape it in a way and yet still protect him.

A single tear fell down my face as the spell ended. I felt my body dissolving into nothing as my soul slowly seeped out of it. There would be no evidence of what I had done. No evidence of what had happened to me…only I and these walls would know what I had done. I closed my eyes and let the spell work, smiling as I was sealed into Excalibur for all of time.

**The End**

**Kaliane: **Well that was fun! I didn't expect how it ended but my friend Terry suggested it and I had to do it. He always did have good ideas! Well please remember to review!


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